I couldn’t tell you what the speaker said that night
What songs were sung
Who I sat next to or what I wore
Why I was even in that lecture hall
But I can tell you, that through the brisk cold air the short walk back to my dorm room seemed like an eternity as the weight of the call to stop living one foot in and one foot out came crashing down on me.
It wasn’t like a 1,000 ton brick or a fierce storm, it was in the way God speaks–in the stillness, in the whispers.
That night as I sat through a Campus Crusade Meeting he whispered to my heart—“I want you, Tamara. I want all of you, and I want to be all you want because I promise, I am all you need.”
I fumbled through the front doors of my 23-story building, dreading the elevator ride to the only home I had. A room with 5 girls I barely knew and who barely knew me—at least not the real version of myself, just the one I pretended to be.
Thoughts swarmed in my mind like bees in search of nectar, or a rebellious soul in search of forgiveness. Accepting forgiveness for every false god I placed before you to provide me the temporary fix I needed to feel loved, to feel wanted, to feel numb. Could I trust you enough to give all of that up? And if I did, would my broken and repentant heart truly be forgiven?
Again, I hear your voice as the elevator climbs, “I want you, Tamara. I want all of you, and I want to be all you want, because I promise, I am all you need. And it’ll be worth it, it’ll be so very worth it.”
It was a beautiful fall morning, when my children and I paid a visit to Target for what should have been a quick in & out type trip. Mid-way through gathering the few items we needed, my fire-filled son jumped out of the cart and took off running, instantly out of my sight.
I couldn’t find him.
I called his name and he didn’t come.
I was so desperate to see him running back toward me because the thought of losing him was more than unbearable, it was impossible. He had to be found.
I imagine, that long and weary night over 10 years ago began with Jesus being desperate for me. He had called me by name so many times and I didn’t answer. All he wanted was to see me turn around and come running back to his arms where he had always been waiting. Waiting to wrap me in forgiveness, shower me in healing and set me on the foundation of his love which is only birthed through trust.
I found Josiah, fittingly, in the candy aisle. So many sweet temptations that drew him far from the safety of my arms. I grabbed him in love, not in anger for his disobedience, to let him know I would never, ever give up searching for him. He stared those soft, big brown eyes right into mine and sweetly spoke these words as if we had been playing a game, “mommy, you found me.” And the only words I could muster were, “I love you.”
I unlocked the door to my dorm and tripping over a line of passed out college kids laying on the living room floor, I went into my room, shut the door and fell on my bed, tears streaming down my face. Through heaves of breath and sobs of sorrow, I answered God that night with the only words I could speak, “you found me, Jesus, you found me.”
He didn’t punish me, he didn’t turn his back, instead he simply answered, ” I love you, Tamara. You are my beloved child, and in you I am well pleased.”
And yes, it’s been so very worth it…
Gratitude:“After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.” 1 Kings 19:12. When is the last time you heard God’s voice whisper something to your heart? Thank God that He speaks to His children and that He has given us the gift of recognizing his voice.
Grow: “But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!” Rev 3:16. Are there any areas that you are struggling to walk in full obedience to Christ? Where are you living one foot in and one foot out?
Give: “Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ Luke 15:6b. Are we as desperate as we should be for those who don’t know Jesus? What part of your story can you begin sharing with loved ones, friends, neighbors that shows the beauty of God’s pursuit of you?
Worship: I love music & I love to share it. Each song is for each post. Listen and Enjoy! Worth It All
Each LSLW post includes three areas of reflection in hopes to offer a chance for us to give thanks, grow in our personal faith and find ways to pour out from our lives what Christ has poured into us.
© Tamara Gurley 2014