Moving Forward

Another morning where I wanted to keep those curtains shut. I dreaded putting my weary feet down on the bedroom floor, as I really wasn’t sure how to put one foot in front of the other. I kept thinking back on the events of the last few days, since that hurried moment when we had to say goodbye, and my heart burned with grief. When we took Grace in at four years old, we could have never imagined that ten years later God would take her out of our home. Even though for just a season, even though to go to battle for healing in her heart. 
In desperation, I cried out to the Lord, “How do you experience such pain and live and move and breath as if a part of you isn’t missing?  How do you go to work and soccer games and live like all is well.”
We don’t pray just to see God take all of our pain away. We pray so we can See God in the midst of all our pain. The Lord revealed this truth to my heart when he challenged me with this:               
Live like you hope Grace is living.”
“You don’t hope she’s curled up in a corner, letting sadness and fear reign. You don’t hope she has stopped living and laughing and being who I created her to be. You hope she’s taking this journey of healing and embracing every part. You hope she’s letting me transform her and shine through all her broken parts.”

IMG_8806.PNGThat’s how you move forward. You take your eyes off your brokenness and put them on the one who was broken and bruised for you. And in return, He can show you how to live for someone other than yourself.

So I put my feet on the floor and I prayed for God to fill me with the peace and joy that surpasses all understanding, and he did. I opened another string of letters and notes filled with words of support from friends and total strangers, and knew He wasn’t going to let me walk through this alone. I looked at my four and five year old and couldn’t spend another day having them ask me why I was crying. I had to let them see me smile again. It didn’t matter if I felt like I could do it, I didn’t have to. He was showing me that He was going to carry me through. He was calling me to hope for Grace and live to share this hope, that only he can bring, to anyone who needs to hear. 

Some days the grief returns and I allow myself to feel it, and He reminds me that He is rebuilding, restoring and redeeming all that has been lost. He’s teaching me to live for one thing and one thing only-to be filled with His life and to let that life spill out like water. To be continually emptied even when it breaks your heart and requires painful sacrifice. The more broken, the more the light shines through. The more you let go, the more He fills you up. And this, this is when He is most glorified. 

His promise is true,  “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9) So now, I  too am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.



© Tamara Gurley 2016

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